21 Replies to “How To Stop An Argument BEFORE It Begins”
Hi Morty
I received the notification for the occurence course and I am keen to sign up. Just one question about the time you have the live sessions as I am not based in the US. I live in South Africa, time zone :GMT +2 hr. Would it make any sense for me, time wise??
Thanks Maja
We always have people in the class from all over the world who cannot attend the sessions live. You can listen to an MP3 the next day or watch a video of the class.
You will still get all the value from the class. The only thing you miss is being able to ask me questions during the class, and you can call me at any time to talk to me to ask me questions.
you might be interested in a work of Pat Wyman (“three keys for self-understanding”), though I personally prefer way much your work, it’s just useful o know her perspective purely for intellectual purpose; about the thing you said about withdrawing during an argument for a long time, it could be that your personal defense mechanism is Enneagram type 5, each person has one of the 9 basic defenses, it is probably inborn and determines how we react in stress. The pure information/insight on your type of defense system is useful to get a better insight when you slide into your defense mechanisms as opposed being in your “true self”; though only after I got into your work I made serious changes.
So, my free guess would be that your type is an INTJ enneagram 5, while Shelly is ENFP enneagram 7. Just out of observing your personalities 🙂
P.S. or maybe you’re enneagram type 3 (i am one too, but.. i cant relate to withdrawing for example, so…).. so I am leaning for a type 5 for you. I am now really curious how off was I.
Thanks so much for this, Morty. This has helped me spot arguments before they start and diffuse potentially negative situations. I feel so relieved… I do have a question, though… What does one do when the meaning they are attaching to some event is actually true? I know that sometimes people say things in the heat of an argument aren’t true… but what if they really mean it? For example, an argument occurred between myself and my partner… during the course of the argument, my partner stated that they believe I am no good with numbers or mathematics (it was an argument about money). The argument was settled and we got over it, but later my partner said they really do believe I am no good with numbers or math… How would I go about taking the meaning out of that situation, so that I can stop fretting over my partner having such little faith in my math abilities?
hi morty,
in one of your blogs u said that the beliefs cause the occurrings ,so getting rid of beliefs will definitely let go the occurring,now if i let go the occurring with the LOP the belief stays there, will that not impact my life or its the automatic tuning of the subconscious that will slowly release the belief as the symptoms of the belief are gone.
Your occurring can be caused by beliefs, conditionings, mood, physical condition, etc., so merely eliminating beliefs will not stop all your negative occurrings.
Also, it takes time to identify and then eliminate beliefs. You can learn to use the Lefkoe Occurring Process and dissolve your occurrings on the spot before you get rid of all your limiting beliefs. In fact, in my Occurring course you can get to the point that you rarely even give meaning to events.
Hi Morty,
are u saying that the LOP is now a substitute for the LBP as well as the conditioning,can a life long depression can be solved in a minute through the LOP? if the beliefs aren’t going then the impact will stay or it wont matter to me if i use the LOP. For example in case of public speaking some one has fears ,sweating palms etc. now if he or she gets rid of the occurring then will that come back or will it won’t ,if it doesn’t come back then what will be the impact of the beliefs regarding public speaking in him or her life ?
Thank you so much for replying .
Im curious, what if i know the meaning behind a persons behaviour, for example, if someone is angry at me, the meaning that motivates that behaviour is that they are projecting a repressed part of their personality on to me. So although i can only “see” that this person is angry, and although i can come up with different perspectives as to why she is angry, the true meaning as to why this person is acting angry is because of the projection, which you would call either an occurring or the result of a negative belief. What i am suggesting is that what i can see through my eyes is different to the meaning i am giving to her behaviour, but there is meaning inherent to the behaviour, because of what i said above.
I would appreciate your clarification as always, as you have done a great job clarifying my questions on the proior two videos, the desolving method you have provided works great appart from my above statment, and i cant wait to be in the LOP sooner or later
It is possible that the person who says or does something knows why he is doing or saying it (and many times people think they know and really don’t). But that’s not the point.
When I say the event has no meaning, I mean you can’t make any predictions or draw any conclusions from the event.
Hi morty
I can see that destinguishing my occurrings from my perceptions desolves my occurings, but what i can not do is seperate the underlying meaning of a persons actions from their behaviour, which causes me to have a emotional response.
What i mean is that i see it as negtive that people project there anger or disapproval on to me, now i think about it, even if i am correct about the motivating reason behind their behaviour, it is actually my occurring that their motivating reason is “bad”.
So, maby there is inherant meaning behind her behaviour, but the meaning i give that meaningful behaviour can change, ie, i could give her behaviour the following meanings
1) she is projecting anger on to me, this is not fair
2) Why is she projecting rather than working on her self
3 ) She is just projecting, its nothing to do with me
So i can make the behaviour out to be good or bad based on my occuring,which collapses my emotion, “but” i can still draw a conclution that her angry behaviour is due to a projection
So in conclution, i can desolve emotion based on my occurring, but i can still notice motivating meanings behind others behaviours!
Do you agree that there are meanings behind behaviours, but my occurring about their meaning can be desolved, which is all that matters, but, the motivating meanings that cause actions still exist? Meaning that their is meaning “out their”, but our occurring of that meaning can be desolved?
Thanks so much for your work, i know this is a complicated question, it is just that their is meaning out there when it comes to others behaviours, but it is our own personal meaning, or lack of, in relation to that meaning that matters when it comes to desolving negative emotion, do you agree?
I would absolutely love to participate in this course!
The releif I felt when being able to distinguish reality from meaning was amazing. In my comments on the two previous videos(hope you didn’t miss them) I also described how it got difficult sometimes, and that’s why I think I could really use this course.
Winning the scholarship would be so great, got my fingers crossed 🙂
This sounds very exciting, I want to join. I can’t pay for it, so I’d like to participate in the lottery for the scholarship.
It was interesting to hear the part about spiritualism. Would you say that this is what spiritual gurus refer to as being “enlightened”?.
What do I have to do to qualify for the lottery? Just post the results I got from doing the assignments for two days? Do I post that on the second video or the first video? (Or both?). Also, I like that picture of your wedding Morty 🙂
The parents need to show a united front and let the kids know that at 8:00 the program is over for them. Since everyone knows what the rule is, at 8:00, mom can go in and turn off the TV, reminding them of the agreement.
Anything that hints of physical reprimand is not acceptable. She needs to let him know that this is NOT acceptable behavior from a father and that he needs to find another way. Perhaps can help the child do what is needed, or if it is a matter of just getting his attention, the father can take the son in his lap and tell him what must be done. Too many times physical “ticking” and slapping escalates into abuse if left unattended to. It needs to be stopped immediately.
The mother complains to her husband that even though he agreed (for instance) to let the children watch Harry Potter just until 8:00 pm so they could then take their showers and be in bed by 8:15, that’s the time they need to be in bed to get enough rest before school, but when 8:00 pm arrived HE and the children wanted to continue to watch till the end, so when she reminded them of the time and the agreement to end at 8:00, her husband said, “well, we want to watch till the end”. He says this in complete disregard to their agreement for the sake of the children’s getting enough sleep….sleep time as proven by past experiences. Her husbands behavior puts her in the position of being “the bad one who won’t let the children see the end of the movie now”. This is typical of his behavior. How can your Occurring course help situations like this because their argument DOES have meaning. An argument of how he “ticks” his son’s head or gives him a slap when the boy is not doing as he wants, which the mother is trying to stop him from doing, causes an argument and doesn’t this have “meaning”.
Marcia, I think that the events you describe ave no INHERENT meaning. I think your upset is caused by the meaning you give the events–perhaps: my husband is inconsiderate of my needs; my husband can’t be trusted because he breaks agreements; my children won’t learn in school if they stay up all night watching TV; children now think better of their father and less of me; children will disregard my authority; I’ll have more difficulty winning arguments and getting my way in the future, etc. I think it is the meaning you give the events that’s causing your upset, and not the event itself, which has no inherent meaning. It has only the meaning you give it. It’s not that the event has no consequences for you. Clearly, it does. It just has no inherent meaning. But then, the consequences have no inherent meaning either.
Hi Morty
I received the notification for the occurence course and I am keen to sign up. Just one question about the time you have the live sessions as I am not based in the US. I live in South Africa, time zone :GMT +2 hr. Would it make any sense for me, time wise??
Thanks Maja
Hi Maja,
We always have people in the class from all over the world who cannot attend the sessions live. You can listen to an MP3 the next day or watch a video of the class.
You will still get all the value from the class. The only thing you miss is being able to ask me questions during the class, and you can call me at any time to talk to me to ask me questions.
Welcome aboard.
Love,Morty
Morty,
you might be interested in a work of Pat Wyman (“three keys for self-understanding”), though I personally prefer way much your work, it’s just useful o know her perspective purely for intellectual purpose; about the thing you said about withdrawing during an argument for a long time, it could be that your personal defense mechanism is Enneagram type 5, each person has one of the 9 basic defenses, it is probably inborn and determines how we react in stress. The pure information/insight on your type of defense system is useful to get a better insight when you slide into your defense mechanisms as opposed being in your “true self”; though only after I got into your work I made serious changes.
So, my free guess would be that your type is an INTJ enneagram 5, while Shelly is ENFP enneagram 7. Just out of observing your personalities 🙂
P.S. or maybe you’re enneagram type 3 (i am one too, but.. i cant relate to withdrawing for example, so…).. so I am leaning for a type 5 for you. I am now really curious how off was I.
Thanks so much for this, Morty. This has helped me spot arguments before they start and diffuse potentially negative situations. I feel so relieved… I do have a question, though… What does one do when the meaning they are attaching to some event is actually true? I know that sometimes people say things in the heat of an argument aren’t true… but what if they really mean it? For example, an argument occurred between myself and my partner… during the course of the argument, my partner stated that they believe I am no good with numbers or mathematics (it was an argument about money). The argument was settled and we got over it, but later my partner said they really do believe I am no good with numbers or math… How would I go about taking the meaning out of that situation, so that I can stop fretting over my partner having such little faith in my math abilities?
Hi Rodney,
The fact that your partner really believes you are not good with math has no meaning. The fact that she said it doesn’t mean it’s true.
I don’t know anything about you, for sure, from her comment.
Love, Morty
What the father is doing (ticking?,slapping)
IS abuse! My goodness, are people really still treating children like this?
brilliant stuff!
Hi Toni,
Thanks.
Love, Morty
hi morty,
in one of your blogs u said that the beliefs cause the occurrings ,so getting rid of beliefs will definitely let go the occurring,now if i let go the occurring with the LOP the belief stays there, will that not impact my life or its the automatic tuning of the subconscious that will slowly release the belief as the symptoms of the belief are gone.
best regards
mayuk
Hi Mayuk,
Your occurring can be caused by beliefs, conditionings, mood, physical condition, etc., so merely eliminating beliefs will not stop all your negative occurrings.
Also, it takes time to identify and then eliminate beliefs. You can learn to use the Lefkoe Occurring Process and dissolve your occurrings on the spot before you get rid of all your limiting beliefs. In fact, in my Occurring course you can get to the point that you rarely even give meaning to events.
Love, Morty
Hi Morty,
are u saying that the LOP is now a substitute for the LBP as well as the conditioning,can a life long depression can be solved in a minute through the LOP? if the beliefs aren’t going then the impact will stay or it wont matter to me if i use the LOP. For example in case of public speaking some one has fears ,sweating palms etc. now if he or she gets rid of the occurring then will that come back or will it won’t ,if it doesn’t come back then what will be the impact of the beliefs regarding public speaking in him or her life ?
Thank you so much for replying .
Regards
Mayuk
Hi Mayuk,
No the LOP is NOT a substitute for eliminating beleifs and conditionings.
Conditionings affect you regardless of the meaning you give events.
Also, beliefs will cause the same occurring to happen each time, whereas if you get rid of the beleifs, the occurring will stop.
They are different processes with different purposes and results.
Depression is the result of many beliefs and I don’t think it can be eliminated merely with the LOP.
Love, Morty
Im curious, what if i know the meaning behind a persons behaviour, for example, if someone is angry at me, the meaning that motivates that behaviour is that they are projecting a repressed part of their personality on to me. So although i can only “see” that this person is angry, and although i can come up with different perspectives as to why she is angry, the true meaning as to why this person is acting angry is because of the projection, which you would call either an occurring or the result of a negative belief. What i am suggesting is that what i can see through my eyes is different to the meaning i am giving to her behaviour, but there is meaning inherent to the behaviour, because of what i said above.
I would appreciate your clarification as always, as you have done a great job clarifying my questions on the proior two videos, the desolving method you have provided works great appart from my above statment, and i cant wait to be in the LOP sooner or later
Cheers
Ian
Hi Ian,
It is possible that the person who says or does something knows why he is doing or saying it (and many times people think they know and really don’t). But that’s not the point.
When I say the event has no meaning, I mean you can’t make any predictions or draw any conclusions from the event.
Does this clarify what I mean?
Thanks for writing.
Love,Morty
Hi morty
I can see that destinguishing my occurrings from my perceptions desolves my occurings, but what i can not do is seperate the underlying meaning of a persons actions from their behaviour, which causes me to have a emotional response.
What i mean is that i see it as negtive that people project there anger or disapproval on to me, now i think about it, even if i am correct about the motivating reason behind their behaviour, it is actually my occurring that their motivating reason is “bad”.
So, maby there is inherant meaning behind her behaviour, but the meaning i give that meaningful behaviour can change, ie, i could give her behaviour the following meanings
1) she is projecting anger on to me, this is not fair
2) Why is she projecting rather than working on her self
3 ) She is just projecting, its nothing to do with me
So i can make the behaviour out to be good or bad based on my occuring,which collapses my emotion, “but” i can still draw a conclution that her angry behaviour is due to a projection
So in conclution, i can desolve emotion based on my occurring, but i can still notice motivating meanings behind others behaviours!
Do you agree that there are meanings behind behaviours, but my occurring about their meaning can be desolved, which is all that matters, but, the motivating meanings that cause actions still exist? Meaning that their is meaning “out their”, but our occurring of that meaning can be desolved?
Thanks so much for your work, i know this is a complicated question, it is just that their is meaning out there when it comes to others behaviours, but it is our own personal meaning, or lack of, in relation to that meaning that matters when it comes to desolving negative emotion, do you agree?
Regards
Ian
I would absolutely love to participate in this course!
The releif I felt when being able to distinguish reality from meaning was amazing. In my comments on the two previous videos(hope you didn’t miss them) I also described how it got difficult sometimes, and that’s why I think I could really use this course.
Winning the scholarship would be so great, got my fingers crossed 🙂
This sounds very exciting, I want to join. I can’t pay for it, so I’d like to participate in the lottery for the scholarship.
It was interesting to hear the part about spiritualism. Would you say that this is what spiritual gurus refer to as being “enlightened”?.
What do I have to do to qualify for the lottery? Just post the results I got from doing the assignments for two days? Do I post that on the second video or the first video? (Or both?). Also, I like that picture of your wedding Morty 🙂
The parents need to show a united front and let the kids know that at 8:00 the program is over for them. Since everyone knows what the rule is, at 8:00, mom can go in and turn off the TV, reminding them of the agreement.
Anything that hints of physical reprimand is not acceptable. She needs to let him know that this is NOT acceptable behavior from a father and that he needs to find another way. Perhaps can help the child do what is needed, or if it is a matter of just getting his attention, the father can take the son in his lap and tell him what must be done. Too many times physical “ticking” and slapping escalates into abuse if left unattended to. It needs to be stopped immediately.
The mother complains to her husband that even though he agreed (for instance) to let the children watch Harry Potter just until 8:00 pm so they could then take their showers and be in bed by 8:15, that’s the time they need to be in bed to get enough rest before school, but when 8:00 pm arrived HE and the children wanted to continue to watch till the end, so when she reminded them of the time and the agreement to end at 8:00, her husband said, “well, we want to watch till the end”. He says this in complete disregard to their agreement for the sake of the children’s getting enough sleep….sleep time as proven by past experiences. Her husbands behavior puts her in the position of being “the bad one who won’t let the children see the end of the movie now”. This is typical of his behavior. How can your Occurring course help situations like this because their argument DOES have meaning. An argument of how he “ticks” his son’s head or gives him a slap when the boy is not doing as he wants, which the mother is trying to stop him from doing, causes an argument and doesn’t this have “meaning”.
Marcia, I think that the events you describe ave no INHERENT meaning. I think your upset is caused by the meaning you give the events–perhaps: my husband is inconsiderate of my needs; my husband can’t be trusted because he breaks agreements; my children won’t learn in school if they stay up all night watching TV; children now think better of their father and less of me; children will disregard my authority; I’ll have more difficulty winning arguments and getting my way in the future, etc. I think it is the meaning you give the events that’s causing your upset, and not the event itself, which has no inherent meaning. It has only the meaning you give it. It’s not that the event has no consequences for you. Clearly, it does. It just has no inherent meaning. But then, the consequences have no inherent meaning either.